


sleep

by snailthesaints (orphan_account)



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Texting, and doesn't glamourise or sensationalise, and i'd like to think, bc i did a lot of research, i cried into google docs and wrote from experience, original title wow, syke, that it's maybe better than some of the depression/anxiety fics out there, this is written entirely true to life, without sounding up myself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-19 23:44:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7382359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/snailthesaints
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which gerard just wants everything to be okay and frank wants to hug him through text</p>
            </blockquote>





	sleep

**Author's Note:**

> this is entirely autobiographical. every bit.  
> [apart from the good bits]  
> [[e.g. i do not have a hot boyfriend called frank who always says the right things]]  
> [[[and i've not actually messaged someone like g messages frank but its what im thinking whenever i message anyone so if u put me in a relationship i'm p sure the situation would arise]]]  
> [[[[but it is 2:41am and I'm A Mess]]]]  
> [[[[[also i see the struts on tuesday, that is, if i got to school tomorrow/today]]]]]  
> [[[[[[anyway gn]]]]]]
> 
>  
> 
> also entirely unproofread
> 
> also i hope its written okay i feel like a lot of peoples experiences are in a sort of grey area where like their abuse is maybe primarily emotional but hardly enough to be considered abuse but enough to fuck them up real bad, and like for someone to be abusive they don't have to be a scary evil old man, like i do love my dad and so many people have it worse, but i see so many fics with either csa or primarily physical abuse, i just wanted to show the damage other types can do too and validate others experiences <3

Gerard was a mess. He was just like his Dad, because you always butt heads with the parent you’re most similar to.

And maybe Mikey was most like his mom, gentle kind and caring, with all the self assurance Gerard wished he had, and maybe Mikey didn't deserve the shit he gave him.

Gerard was just jealous he was too young to remember.

He was staring at the darkened ceiling, eyes wide, muscles tensed, because his mom had proposed (after his father had stuck his nose in) that he’d be allowed to see Frank in 2 days, if he finally went to school the next day.

But he couldn't sleep and he couldn’t go because in november he’d shouted too loudly in DT; in January he’d got carried away with the teenage chit chat about sex - the group had gotten scolded because two teachers could hear but Gerard had been found sobbing in the toilets after; and in March, his favourite teacher had cracked a joke about how he looked like he was falling asleep. And he hadn’t been in since.

_Sure_ , it was a school for mentally ill kids, and _sure_ everyone’d forgotten about it, and _sure_ they saw that shit everyday (and worse), but the humiliation sat in the pit of his belly like a lead weight and he _couldn't_ face them.

And he _needed_ to sleep, because it was 00:25am which wasn’t that late but he’d be up in 6 hours and it’d be even worse on hardly any sleep, because he never had any motivation anyway, let alone on any less than a solid eight hours (not that he ever got that). Mixed with everything else, the grogginess from a fractured night would make school impossible.

He was so scared, he realised.

So terrified of living.

He sort of just wanted to be held tightly, squeezed tightly, but he also needed a “fragile: handle with care” sticker stuck to his forehead, because it felt like with the lightest touch he would shatter.

He could just kill himself.

It was simple and flippant, the heavy words had lost their meaning.

They were gentle, comforting, his only backup plan.

It wasn't that he didn't like living (it wasn't that he did either) - his depression had been easing up recently, and maybe he’d feel sad as he pulled the trigger.

It was that it was practical - easy.

If he fucked up like he knew he would, he could just kill himself, never have to deal with letting Frank down.

If the Attendance Officer got involved, he could just kill himself, his parents would never get fined.

If anything bad was really happening, he could just kill himself, then for once his head would be clear, his heart would be light and he wouldn't exist at all.

His phone buzzed.

He squinted at the name on the screen, his chest tightening and his head filling with thoughts.

**7 new messages from Frank <3**

He’d been ignoring 6 of them for the past 9 hours. He wasn't sure why he did that. Fear? Probably. Underlying trust issues? Probably. Crippling lack of self worth? Probably.

He opened them.

**11:07:** morning xo  
 **11:09:** you okay?

**13:54:** man, i got a gnarly headcold right now.  
 **14:00:** lightening up tho. should be gone by tuesday  <3

**16:32:** dude I hope you’re okay, i love you  
 **16:40:** take your time

**00:31:** goodnight g sleep well xoxo <3

Gerard sighed because he really shouldn’t be ignoring him, in fact he was being _such a fucking asshole_.

And he wanted to cry, because he was fairly certain “take your time” was one of the most sarcastic, passive aggressive messages he’d ever received.

Still, he tapped out a short reply.

**00:33:** <3

And almost immediately his phone buzzed again.

**00:33:** <3

As Gerard stared at it, he noticed, for a heart emoji it carried pretty mocking vibes, and that was like _another_ knife to his chest.

He sent another message anyway, because he was a clingey fuck and the conversation _couldn't_ end there.

**00:34:** <33

His phone buzzed again.

**00:34:** <3333333333  
 **00:35:** <3333333333333333333333  
 **00:35:** endless hearts gerard, you’re amazing and i love you so much

Gerard cracked a smile at that one, his belly filled with warmth and it surprised him how fast his emotions could change.

**00:35:** thank you  <333 i’m okay, i hope you feel better soon  
 **00:35:** to answer your questions that is ^^  
 **00:36:** i'm so sorry i only saw today's messages now  <3

**00:37:** you’re all good, i can't wait to see you  <3

With that message, like a switch had been flicked, that sense of dread came rushing back. And maybe suicide would become a thing after all, he couldn't do it with a boyfriend like Frank, but he’d only let him down anyway.

He couldn't face the next day.

He didn't have the stress tolerance for getting up, showering, getting into his Dad’s car and going to school. And he knew he had to and it made his heart thump, because waking up the next day would be like stepping into a black hole, and _so much could go wrong_.

He’d feel like shit, he knew that. And he’d have to shower, and look at his body and his reflection and try not to throw up with the revulsion he felt.

And he’d have to get dressed, and maybe put on eyeliner, but maybe not, because he hadn't been wearing it before and he didn't want to change things because people might notice but without it he looked like a walking corpse and maybe he could make a good second first impression, because apparently new kids had started in the time he’d been off and maybe everything had changed and he was so scared but maybe the friends he’d made would still be there though they probably didn't like him, it’s not like he’d expect anyone to.

And then he’d have to leave, and he’d have to face his Dad, spend half an hour in a _car_ with him and maybe they’d make idle chitchat because maybe he was an alright guy, but last time he’d been driven to school by his father they’d gotten lost and he was late and the classic rock from the radio was drowned out by the music from his headphones and the shouting match that filled the air as he held back tears the whole journey, his whole body shaking until he was dropped off at he school gates and broke down to a sad song because he was too scared to press the buzzer. 

And maybe his father would question him on Frank, or pull him up on the way he’d kept saying ‘maybe’ to the offer of a saturday afternoon trip to the comic book store, or hiss an insult because he’d opened the car window an inch too far - and that one would ruin him because the shouts and the swears over the years of living with him had hollowed him out to an empty shell of a person, and when he looked at his father's hands on the wheel, he could only see them round his mothers throat just like he had aged 8.

And then he’d have to go into school, and maybe he wouldn't have the right lunch money, and if he sat in the hall before class people would be surprised to see him, but he couldn't hide away no matter how much he wanted to, and the embarrassment that would eat up at him would be the same as the embarrassment he felt as his father slapped him in the grocery store.

Tearfully, he unlocked his phone again. He still hadn't replied to Frank.

**00:42** : i can't do this

Almost instantly, a reply popped up.

**00:42:** yes you can xo

**00:43:** i’m so scared

**00:43:** what of? xo

Gerard hesitated.

**00:44:** living

The scrambled to add a followup.

**00:44:** i’m sorry omg i sound like such a pissbaby get some sleep you need it i'm sorry for going on about myself

**00:45:** baby, i love you and i love listening to you. do you wanna talk about it?

Gerard exhaled and started typing, and he didn't even read it back because the warm feeling was back because he was so fucking in love and in a way that was all that mattered.

**00:46** : i'm so scared of everything, idk what's wrong with me, my mom said i can only see you tuesday if i go to school and i can't i can't manage this and i just want to hide under my blankets and never face the world again but you probably hate me anyway

**00:47** : gerard, i could never hate you, i love you, i’d hide with you until you feel ready to come out and stand right by your side as you do <3

**00:47:** what did i do to deserve you?

Gerard smiled, for a good few moments. And then he realised, _what did he do to deserve Frank?_

With tears running down his race he was typing again, hands shaking.

**00:51** : i'm such a fuck up i'm sorry

He hit send and felt almost repulsed that Frank liked him (apparently), he didn't understand it, he couldn't comprehend it, but he kept typing.

**00:52:** you deserve so much better i hate myself i hate myself i don't understand why you say you love me

**00:52:** and i hurt people i’ll end up hurting you too

**00:52:** i can't manage today and i can't manage life you don't deserve me weighing you down

**00:53:** if you hate me please just say it

**00:58:** but pls know i love you

**00:59:** i'm so sorry for spamming you

**01:00:** i'm so sorry pls i don't know what's wrong with me

**01:00:** are you ignoring me pls don't ignore me

**01:00:** stop ignoring me frank please i will always love you

**01:01:** i'm sorry for spamming i hope i haven't upset you or anything i'm so sorry i feel so bad

**01:11** : pls reply tho <3xoxo

Eventually, Gerard cried himself to sleep sometime after 2am.

 

**1 new message from Frank <3**

**06:20:** Gee, I only fell asleep. Call me when you wake up, I love you  <3

**Author's Note:**

> i don't feel like putting my social media* but i hope u enjoyed my pain
> 
> sequel will be dependant on whether i survive tomorrow ha ha it's like one of those write your own story stories except ur actually writing it and also actually living it and u also can't go back when you've realised you've got the shit option and pick the cool one instead
> 
> * it's plastered all over my acc bc i'm actually an attention whore


End file.
